absolved

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Ghandi

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sarah Paddison

“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde


so on my way home last night, i had a few revelations. having an hour+ long car drive gives one time to think. and i thought about how my life has been for the past four years; being entrenched in court proceedings, battling with an ex who cannot live live honestly, and some things about our former relationship came to me quickly like lightning, and then dissipated just as fast. it was all very stream-of-consciousness.

1. the woman he is married to now he admitted to having been in contact with during my history with him, and the woman who followed. i found this out only when the relationship he ruined after ours began crumbling around him. how very quickly he moved into a relationship/marriage/children with his (now) wife.

2. i shouldn't have been surprised by this, because there was a point back in history where i talked to her. she called our unlisted number, because after i'd left him for a stint, he'd looked her up. she lived 20 minutes away from us. and the whole time, i worried about a girl who was 3000 miles away that he couldn't seem to stop waxing poetic to.

3. i could have been saved a shitload of the stress and pain i have gone through if he could have been an honest person. or, if he'd just never asked me to come back to him. i could have said no, but i wasn't smart enough at the time. granted, i wouldn't have the friends, the life, the relationship or the job that i have now that i appreciate, but there was a lot of stuff that happened that could easily *not* have happened had he been the kind of person who could be open and up-front.

4. the life he lives now is the life he will always live, and the way he acts now as a former partner and a parent is the way he will always be. i came to accept this a long time ago, and i do what i can to make sure that it doesn't pervade our family's home or life. why i get frustrated or angry over someone who hasn't ever been different than what i'm experiencing is *beyond* me. some people just never get their shit together, and i am not capable of changing that, and i wasted a lot of time trying.

in light of all this, i decided that i would just forgive him. forgive him, and forgive his current wife. (who knows if they'll last; relationships based on dishonesty seem to have a way of ending less than amicably) so, in no particular order:

i forgive you for lying. there wasn't much honesty from you, and sticking around in the hopes that there would be really didn't help me to grow as a person. having those sorts of expectations of another person when that's all they know and do is rather lofty, and i shouldn't have fought with you to get that after knowing it wouldn't come. this does not absolve you from what you've done, but i can be at peace with this now.

i forgive your abuse. all of it. even the stuff you don't want to admit to and will deny into your grave. you know, and i know. we were both there. you might find it freeing and humbling to own what you are responsible for. but i've wasted a lot of energy and emotion pleading with you to be honest about this. if you can't be honest in general, surely this is a herculean task. this does not absolve you from what you've done, and i can only hope that your current and future relationships question why i would have to forgive you for this, and see what i saw *before* it's too late.

i forgive your manipulation. being a person who cannot be honest is difficult enough; it must be a 'fight or flight' response to everything, so i have come to expect nothing less. knowing that a situation will be manipulated to suit you or to cover tracks, i no longer have to bother being defensive. i feel like if i sit back long enough, actions and words and situations will reveal themselves on their own. it didn't take me long to figure this out about you; it was getting the backbone to get away from it. i just have to look at you from afar as a person i don't really know; someone i'm not acquainted or friends with, but see a pattern from regularly. that way, i don't need to jump in and point out the inaccuracies. this does not absolve you from what you do, but gives me the freedom to invest my energy elsewhere.

to the both of you, i forgive your disrespect. this is difficult, because it will never end, and one of you has been played, and plays into the game. but that's how unhealthy relationships work, and if you feel fulfilled being in that kind of relationship, who am i to take away your comfort? this is another one of those situations where i have to look at the both of you as 'well, that's who they are, that's what they do'. what makes it difficult is you have manipulated a child. what gives me some small consolation is that she's brilliant, and your inconsistencies and inability to be forthright will come to light. i've spent a lot of time and energy trying to point those things out, but really, i don't need to. you do them regularly yourselves. and that's okay. as long as *i* am not doing them, the world around me is a better place. you cannot take away my title by simply imposing it on someone you didn't conceive and bear, but you did that because one of you wanted what could have been with me, and the other of you thinks you deserve it. that's who you are, that's what you do. this does not absolve you from what you do, but gives me the freedom to invest my energy elsewhere.

and to the woman who wants to be more than she is, i forgive you for your ignorance. sometimes a lack of knowledge isn't intentional, and sometimes it is. ignorance is not equated with stupidity (in case there is question about intelligence) you were given the biggest opportunity to protect your well-being and save yourself from what i and other women have gone through. you chose to do what many women with low self-esteems and no sense of self do; i understand that you choose to see what you want because you would rather live in ignorant bliss than see things the way they are. it's not my job to save you. you will eventually realize that what you signed up for isn't what you're getting. there's a reason that the last two women are *happy* not to be with him. you'll have to live with the wondering as to what that reason is, since you chose not to hear/listen. this does not absolve you from your part in all of the unnecessary drama that crops up, but makes me happy not to feel like i need to help you. i shouldn't really have felt that way to begin with, but i did what i felt was the right thing.

with all that forgiveness out and about, i feel quite a bit better. i thought it was about time to get that off my shoulders. there was a point in time i thought i'd chronicle my past, and i may still do that. it won't be here, though. there are a lot of ideas floating around. primarily with advocacy, policy change, community service. i feel the need to help women who *want* the help; who are asking for it but are not finding answers. to speak about my experiences so someone *anyone*, can walk away with the thought that they have some hope; that they can do more and *be* more. i haven't figured out how i'll go about it, but it will happen.

in the meantime, i feel good. it's like spring cleaning - gathering up all that old shit that just takes up space, bagging it up and dropping it on the doorstep of the person it belongs to.

refreshing!