good riddance to 2007

prelude to 2008
Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

i usually take some time a day or so before the new year to reflect on everything that's happened, good and bad. in years past, i've always remained rather cryptic, but that was because on another online spot,

i was being snooped on.

not that anything i've ever had to say is controversial; in fact, everything i've ever had to say is rather damaging, but it's truth.

truth and fear were prevalent throughout 2007 for me. i learned to embrace one, and cast off the other. in doing so, i gained much experience and many learnings. 2008 will be much different than last year.

my resolution for 2008 is to bring light to the truth. to see to it that justice is served. to take back my power.

last year concluded a four year long family court matter. well, not entirely concluded, because there are loose ends that need to be tied, but the most important matter was resolved. what i learned from the entire four years, but last year most specifically, was that i never had anything to be afraid of, because i spoke truth.

i advocated for and won custody of my daughter. i fought very hard for her to have the consistency and routine that she has needed for a very long time, and it happened exactly the way i wanted it to. i was fearful, though. i was afraid of the lies, the threats, and the deceit that other people had no qualms about conveying in order to gain a perceived advantage in what they considered to be a game.

i see it this way now because at the most crucial point in this process, when it was all or nothing, after everything my daughter, my family and i were put through, the 'fight' fizzled out, and i got what i'd been saying was the right thing the entire time.

my position has never changed, the person i fought with for the past four years hasn't changed, and that is why things are the way they are. they thought that hiring a lawyer would scare me. it didn't. it didn't because you can spend all the money you like on things for show, but what's behind that is what determines the outcome. and nothing from nothing is nothing. which is what they got.

the past year was stressful for many reasons; my daughter was in upheaval because of the court situation; she would be changing schools, living in a new home, and was unsure as to where she would call 'home' at the end of the night. i am so very glad that i had the people around me during the year that i did; to be reassured that what i was doing was right because that's what i was trying to do helped me through some tough times.

i grew a backbone.

i decided to file for child support. in the four years i'd done it on my own, i never once asked for anything, and the entire time i did it on my own, i compensated for two parents, instead of having cooperation. i decided it was time to make some changes. i can't be the only person responsible for everything when there is another parent entirely capable of being equally as responsible. so i was awarded child support. the holy hell i received as a result of that will continue until my daughter is 18, but the way i see it, i put measures in place that cannot be undone by the other person. no matter how much they threaten, or withold, they *will* be held accountable. i won't have to do anything. and the consequences that will hit them will be entirely as a result of their own doing, or lack thereof.

to date, there is about six months of child support unpaid for, but it's 'very urgent' that i make accommodations for multiple trips that they've planned this year. while i find it ridiculous and laughable, i will sit back while numbers continue to accrue and accumulate, and i will not feel pity when it comes time to answer to the authorities.

that's another thing i've learned. i've developed a thick skin, and lost a bit of my empathy for the people in my life who are blatantly irresponsible, abusive and ignorant. right now, there are only two, but they fill up enough space that i don't need anymore. what happens to them now is not my problem, and frankly, what they bring about in their lives as a result of their selfish actions i will celebrate. sounds harsh, but i'm not a doormat any longer. and i pull my weight and theirs, i don't ask for anything because i know not to anticipate their respect or cooperation, so when the karma bus comes around, i'll throw a fucking 'bon voyage' party.

i will no longer tolerate energy sucking assholes. i will no longer sugar coat or beat around the bush. i have decided to speak truth, even if it pisses off other people. really, the only people it will piss off are those who are afraid to examine the harsh reality of their situations. (thanks for that phrase, assbasket; it's come in handy time and time again!)

i am on the offensive; i have no fear about the future - i now create it. as for those who think they've got *any* sort of foothold on me, you can go fuck yourself. you're now going to get everything you deserve, and i *still* don't have to do a thing to cause it. it's all you, baby. it's alll you.

on to the good things, because i like to think about all the happiness that the discord and strife caused. if it weren't for the shitstorm my family endured over the year, i wouldn't be able to talk about the good stuff:


my daughter and dan. they're my family; the people i feed and clothe and nurture and love. they keep me going. dan, because he's been right by my side through everything, the ups, the downs, and the super deep downs that seemed like black holes. my daughter.. well, the fact that i get to tuck her in every night and wake her up with kisses to her cheek and see the sparkle in her eyes when she talks about her day, or the smile on her face when she runs across the street to play with a friend..there isn't a thing in the world that could take away such an indescribable happiness to be a part of that. this year may be the year that we all become an 'official' family; dan and i waited all this time for court stuff to be over with, because we wanted to do it the right way; no discord, no struggle. i am thankful for both of them. old souls that i've known for longer than i have been alive.

my job. i love it, i get to be a part of the greater good, and the people i work with and for have made me a better person.

my family. as crazy and messed up as things are at times, i have them. they are all alive and healthy, and that's all anyone could ask for.

my friend sarah. she and i hated each other for absolutely no reason other than a stupid abusive man-child, and because of that stupid abusive man-child, we are now the best of friends. we don't get to see each other a lot, but we talk every day, and were it not for her support and insight, i might be a crying heap on the floor every other day. sarah and i are proof that a man can't bring you down even if he puts his hands on you; we're proof that women don't need to be enemies over a man, and proof that you can rise above adversity and make your life better by being appreciative of what you have. my only regret is that we weren't able to form this bond sooner when she really needed it most.

new home. we moved from a place that we had because it was all we could afford to a great new home. sunny, large, in a beautiful scenic town, with one of my daughter's best friends across the street, school around the corner, and nothing but good. it's amazing how much a new space can change your perspective; kennebunkport has actually been one of the biggest positive changes for so many reasons.

everything. i have everything going for me now. and i deserve it.

i will give more to others who need it, in any way i can. i will help lift those up who can't do it on their own; i will cherish every moment i have with my family; i will appreciate today, because there is no promise of tomorrow. i will continue to stop and see the tiny details that others take for granted.

and this year, i will reflect at the end of the year on how great it was, and what i learned, and i will talk about how i kicked some ass and took some names, and i hope to do that for years to come.

happy new year, all. i wish you luck, love, health, happiness, truth, fairness, empathy, and selflessness. they are things we should all strive for. believe me, they've been recurring themes for me.