liar, liar

"Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't. —Hell is murky. —Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?" (Macbeth - Act 5, Scene 1)

sometimes i am simultaneously surprised and unphased by the things that happen around me in life. sometimes i'm quite taken aback.

i didn't realize it, but i was in the middle of a situation i shouldn't have been placed in the middle of, as were other people. and the person that did all the re-arranging and shuffling of characters has done this many times. only this time they were caught in a lie. they asked people to lie to me, and in doing so, stirred up a pot of shit that might never have existed otherwise.

i was played. burned. had. and the parts that piss me off are that:

a) i have *never* done anything to this person to warrant being dicked around like that
b) this person, having been confronted with it directly, instead of being a grownup, ran to the other people they put in the middle of the situation to cry about it to them.
c) this person, having been confronted with it directly, instead of apologizing and speaking to me directly, removed me from their online contacts.
d) this person is a blood relative who stressed time and again the need for us to be close; the need to have a bond. time and again, made me feel guilty for not having the same kind of free time they have (i have a family to take care of after the job that i spend all day at; this person was unemployed for months at a stretch and partied with friends regularly instead of making time with me)
e) i gave my trust to this person, and they chose to throw away the chance they had to make things right by running away and erasing me as if i never existed.

i will never trust them again. *ever*. i was walked all over. used. and probably, unbeknownst to me, gossiped about. there's a pretty good chance of that, with hindsight being 20-20 and all. and to think, i came to their defense, i supported them and their endeavors even when i didn't agree, sided with them during traumatic relationship issues that may or may not have actually happened, and encouraged them to follow their heart.

to know that instead of making amends they'd rather just forget i am here is quite the slap in the face.
it might be easier for me to swallow were they just a friend; i can write off an asshole *any* time. but this person is family.

i had plenty of talks with this very same person about how i despise liars. how stupid, pointless lies piss me off the most, because they're totally unnecessary, and cause nothing but grief. now, i am the recipient of one of those lies, from someone i suppose i should have expected it from, given past behavior.

i've had the opportunity to look back at the past couple of years, and now i see rather clearly. everything was about 'who can i use next', or 'what can i get from them', or 'how can i benefit from them', or 'feel sorry for me', or 'everyone's against me', or 'my problems are caused by other people'. when they weren't rubbing elbows with people to meet other people or make more money or to hook up, they were trash talking them when things didn't go the way they wanted.

no one is sacred, apparently. nothing is sacred, either. take what you can, squeeze it out til there's nothing left, then leave the shell behind and don't look back.

and to think, the conversation i had last with this person, they were in tears about their situation, feeling like they weren't getting kudos for being grownup and not running away from their problems. delaying their arrival isn't running away from them. but a stupid, pointless lie can bring them to the front line pretty fucking quick.

i am glad not to be in that position. i never lied to them. i never told any of their secrets. i never violated their trust. and when i was being played and didn't realize it, they *still* got honesty from me.

it makes me ill to think that what has transpired is how they want to leave things. i am beginning to understand now why their social circle is never solid, and they rely co-dependently on a very few people for affirmation and reassurance.

i hope there is a point where that changes. sadly, it starts with them, and denial is powerful.

candid discussion

as i drove to work this morning, i realized that as adamant as i am against domestic abuse and domestic violence, i haven't explained why, and i haven't posted information about resources to contact if you are in such a situation.

i left a relationship that lasted seven years. i had a child with my abuser. like many other women, i thought sticking around and hoping for change would actually bring it about. like many other women, i was without the resources to take off on my own. like many other women, i was resigned to my lot in life.

i should have left when, an ex girlfriend flew out from california to see him graduate and was heartbroken that i had a problem with them hanging out alone together. (she would call at odd hours of the night 'just to talk', she'd send 'i love you' letters to him - red flag number one!).

a few months into us living together at his parents (red flag number two!), he'd grabbed my shirt collar during an argument when we were driving back. i made the half-assed attempt to leave on a couple of occasions, but he seemed so heartbroken. he sobbed, he cried, he told me he didn't want me to go. we made up, and moved on. sort of.

not long after that, a family member he was very close to died. he was beside himself. it was a very sad time for his family. we had an argument that escalated into him grabbing me by my shirt and slamming me up against the bedroom wall, only to be let go because his mother came upstairs to break up the fight. (red flag number four!) no one spoke of the incident after that; no one told him he was wrong for doing it, and no one asked me if i was okay.

and yet, i *still* didn't leave.

we moved into an apartment together in the winter of that year; he had a shitty job that paid him whenever the boss had money. he drank a lot with his druggie loser friend (red flag number five!), and our fights got worse.

during one argument, he threw me to the bed and punched me in the head a number of times before leaving to go out drinking.

another time, he was so angry during an argument that he punched his fist through the door to our apartment. (red flag number six!)it was a wood door; the pieces were all over the place. and when he left, i sat there sobbing, gluing them back together so the landlady wouldn't know what happened.

he always yelled and got into my face. he'd get as close as he could while he was yelling, and sometimes he'd push me backwards. looking back, i think it was to watch the expression of fear on my face as i'd fall.

the next summer rolled around, and he got a job offer in the boston area. we found a place to live, and on moving day, his sister and brother-in-law-to-be came over to help us. it was a hot summer day, and he was pissy. at one point during the trek back and forth to the moving truck, i got locked out of the house. he will say it was by mistake, but we were arguing, and i know otherwise. i pounded on the door repeatedly to be let in. his sister and b.i.l. were in the apartment. the door suddenly flew open, and before i knew it, his angry face was the last i saw before ending up upside-down at the bottom of the stairwell. he says i 'fell'. there was a large landing at the top of our stairs, and i'm not 'clumsy'. he pushed me. i hit my spine several times on the way down, and limped around the rest of the day.

his sister and brother in law said nothing to him. they didn't ask me if i was okay.
and still, i went with him. and when we went to his sister's wedding the following weekend, i wore a sleeveless open-backed dress. his father asked me what happened to my arms, and i lied.

i got a job almost right away in our new town, and went to work with bruises all over my arms and back, wearing long sleeves during those weeks of summer.

he went through several job changes over the time we lived in that area; he signed up for adult sex personal ads, he wrote emails to his ex from california, and continued to push and yell at me.

and, without solicitation, someone stepped into my life unexpectedly, and it was a brief interlude of complete happiness. i stepped out of the relationship i was in to be with this person. he knew i was in a turbulent relationship, he knew there was abuse. he pursued me anyway, and i didn't care. it was brief, and intense, and over just as quickly as it started, because my ex was snooping through my drawers and found a journal entry i'd written. he pressed me for the guy's name. he called and left threatening messages on his answering machine. not surprisingly, the guy didn't want any involvement with me after that.

one day, at work, my ex stopped in and gave me my car keys. we lived close enough to where i worked that i walked. so i thought it strange that he'd bring them by. at the end of my shift, no less. so when i walked outside to my car, i saw everything i owned packed into it, including my dog. he'd spent the evening cleaning out our apartment.

i moved in with a woman i worked with, but two weeks later he called me to say he really wanted me back. that he'd made a mistake. that he was sorry for what he did, and he didn't want to lose me. so we met a few times, and it seemed okay.

and then, i moved back in.

there was a period of calm for a while, along with another job change for him. then his loser druggie friend came along. he wanted to stay with us for a 'couple of weeks' while he 'looked for a job'. at the time this happened, i was between jobs, but i reluctantly agreed. he stayed four months, racked up all our bills, and our arguments escalated until i kicked the loser out. i thought that not having him there would make things better; there was no source of tension to instigate things.

i was wrong.

i found a great job a month or so after the deadbeat left, and a week into the job, found out i was pregnant. because of our relationship, and how awful it had been, and because i'd just gotten a job and didn't want to jeopardize it, i made the decision to call a clinic. i'd made an appointment, even. it was walking distance from the apartment. i called him to tell him i'd decided, and he pleaded with me not to. and so, despite everything i should have learned already, i went along with his wishes.

pregnancy was okay, but arguments were still heated. he pushed me a couple of times, but was not as violent as he had been.

when our child was born, he decided he didn't like his current job anymore. he sent out his resume. he got a job offer from maine, and the first interview he had, they offered him the job, and he took it. so when our daughter was two months old, we packed up and moved to maine.

life did not get better. in our first apartment in maine, he threw things at me. he went back to looking at porn. he went out drinking when we had no money. he spent money on things we couldn't afford and then would get angry at me when i'd talk to him about bills. during one argument, i was carrying the baby, and he threw a glass of juice at me. it only barely missed, and he said he wasn't trying to hit me.

he locked me out of our apartment once in the winter. i had no coat or shoes on. the only saving grace for me that day was that the neighbors who lived below us were coming home, and i told him that they'd hear me yelling and i'd ask them to call the police. for some odd reason during that argument, he cried again. sobbing, he told me he was sorry, that he didn't want to lose me. the same bullshit.

we moved in with a guy he worked with after a year at the first place; thinking it would save us money and we'd be in a place where he couldn't be the way he'd been, i hoped there would be some change. there wasn't. by that time, i'd been working nights for a telemarketing company so that i could stay home in the day with our daughter. we'd switch off when he came home from work. on occasion, my friends would invite me out for a beer, but i was never allowed to go. yet, he would go out all the time. that double edged sword thing and all.

he only got violent with me once there; he was angry with me about something, and pushed me out of the bedroom doorway so hard, i fell backward across the hall into our roommate's door. it was locked. i hit it so hard it swung open.

not long after, the roomie got a girlfriend and ditched us, so we had to move *again*. it was the last apartment i'd live in with him. we had plenty of arguments, but the violence didn't escalate again until i left him.

i got sick of being made to feel guilty whenever i wanted to go out with my friends. i got sick of pretending to our friends and his family that things were okay. i got sick of catching him looking at pornography (sometimes while at home babysitting our child). i got sick of finding out he was emailing and calling exes. i got sick of *him*. and i sat him down, and told him i couldn't do it anymore. and i thought then that the hell was over, but i was wrong.

he tried to choke me when our daughter was on my lap. he pushed me out of our apartment while my daughter looked on, screaming hysterically. my heart rips to *shreds* when i think about that day. he only let me back in because she was screaming, and he couldn't calm her down. when i took her to leave (we were supposed to go to my parents), he wanted me to hug him. i told him that he would never put his hands on me again. he took my iced coffee when i had turned my back, and threw it full force at my back. thankfully the window to the seat my daughter was in was closed, but i drove to my parents house soaked in coffee, and had to clean out the car.

two weeks after i left him, he served me with paperwork for custody of our daughter. four years later, i have full custody of her, and he's trying to squeeze himself out of paying child support. i had to file an order of protection against him at the beginning of the process, because he'd follow me to work, harass me, threaten me, and he'd do it with my daughter in his arms.

today, he's still the same pathetic loser. he did the same thing to the woman after me, and she left him. he's changed jobs and living situations multiple times. he's married now, to a girl he looked up when he and i were together. they're living in stupid bliss together, and have procreated.

he continues to taunt harass and abuse. the catalyst for this entry was this paragraph:

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

i *still* experience domestic abuse, and we're not even together anymore. he uses our child as a pawn, manipulating her, threatening and taunting me, and playing off the sympathy of those around him too blind to see him for what he is.

if you are experiencing domestic violence or abuse, you need to get out. having a child shouldn't keep you where you are.

you should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help; there are resources out there. It's not easy, but it can be done.

http://www.ndvh.org/

I sincerely hope that my story helps *someone* some day. I haven't gone through what I have in vain; I have a beautiful intelligent daughter who will grow up to be something spectacular, and her father will have missed out on all of it because of his obsession with making my life miserable. If you're with someone like this loser, make the decision to end it. It could very well be the best decision you ever make.

old dog, old tricks

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8th January 2008	11:43:29 AM	No referring link

it's a lame lame shame, really. back to stalking me, i guess! married life with a new child must be *so* fulfilling; especially when you're married to someone *constantly* doing damage control, and trying to cover up their actions.

i wonder exactly why it is you decided to come back? it's not like you're getting any bones from me, sweetie. i gave you your big red flag two years ago, and you took it and ran with it. you inherited the worst mistake anyone could ever make; congratulations!

and, despite what you're told, he was screwing you while he was screwing over another woman. all it takes is a little investigation into his rental history at that apartment; if you're smart enough, you could get a copy of the court proceedings evicting him for non-payment of rent! (are you smart enough? doubtful.) now, *that's* something he can't lie about. it's a public record! and *i* couldn't alter or manipulate it, because he had to go to court for it! oh, how i love being right. especially when i don't have to do anything to be in that ring.

you're back for something, aren't you? or maybe you just miss me. who knows, but you can fuck off. you had your chance with me. you will be turned away at the door.

ta!

art imitates life

or, ain't *that* the truth:

after a lengthy conversation yesterday and a wonderful brunch, i think the jury still isn't out. it's rather difficult to tell if the person who is dragging out a pointless fight they won't win is batshit insane, stupid, mentally deficient, or a combination of the three.

it's clear that what i'm going through is about *me*, not about the more important factors. me, and money. i'm flattered that i'm the apple of your eye, but after being apart for going on five years, it's getting to 'creepy' level. two relationships later, and i'm all you can obsess about? give it up, buddy.

the only thought i give to you is when i get more paperwork in the mail from yet *another* useless court motion. or when you inundate my email with your ridiculous childish rants intended only to provoke an argument. if you knew, if you *truly* knew how little i speak your name, or what people outside of your social circle *really* think of you, you'd tuck your shit-crusted tail between your legs and go slink off into a dark corner to lay around and moan until the woman stupid enough to marry you comes and licks your wounds.

you're a victim, all right. a victim of your own stupid actions. i thank my lucky stars *every* day for having the fortitude to leave you, to put up with your inane behavior, and to stick to what was right and most important.

i can't wait til the day you realize that everything you did was for nothing. because we both know it's not for who you *say* it's for.

but enough about you. i have more important things to do right now than talk about you, like laundry.

what's your role?

Play your part in the comedy, but don't identify yourself with your role!
- Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei...

so begins the comedy.
i just got word that the court case i thought was done and over with is being resurrected in the form of an appeal. once again, it is dragged out. once again, the attempt is made to avoid responsibility. and hopefully once again, it will be shot down.

i use the term comedy loosely, as the ex is a joke, and his MO is as transparent as can be. this is all about money, and how he doesn't want to take care of his financial obligations. where the 'funny' part comes in is that he's willing to spend an amount equal to what he already owes me to try to avoid that, and an amount *double* what he owes for child support at present. it appears as if he has identified himself with his role, which is that of the deadbeat dad.

he makes more than twice what i do annually, and thinks that *that* should have determined custody, not who was the parent better able to give a consistent, healthy home to our child. he thinks that paying his lawyer thousands of dollars is going to get him out of paying the thousands of dollars he's avoided paying in child support to-date. he thinks it's all a funny game.

and he thinks, above all, that this is somehow going to be detrimental to me. that this *matters*. that by taking this final judgment another step further, that he runs the show. oh, and that *i* am going to end up paying *his* bills. i did that for seven years; his wife can do that now.

if only he'd been so passionate about our daughter. if only the cause i fought so hard for and won was as important to him as it was to me. perhaps we wouldn't be at odds.

because at the end of the day, i already have what i wanted from all the pain and stress i went through. child support is just an administrative formality to keep his deadbeat ass in line, because he thinks he can skirt the law. child support was simply my way of making sure that if he failed to take care of our daughter, which he does regularly, in many many ways, that there was a system of checks and balances that would hold him responsible and accountable. every week that he fails to pay is depriving our child of something, not me.

he's so blind to that, though, that he will continue on this path until he has exhausted his bank account, his wife's bank account (i had this revelation on my way home that she is his source of income for this whole thing, and the last woman he was with didn't make 'enough' to fund him legally *and* support his drinking, which is why he decided it was okay to lay his hands on her), his family's bank account, and anyone else who will sympathize with his 'plight'.

i have no sympathy for a dirt bag woman beater who thinks that child support is chump change for his ex. i have no sympathy for an ignorant fuck who runs his bills up to the point where he's been evicted from an apartment, gone nearly into foreclosure on a home he purchased, couldn't get a loan to save his life, and has debt collectors calling for him at *my* home. i have no sympathy for a man-child who thinks that dragging out a court case that already went four years too long is a big joke; he's mocking a system that's inevitably going to put him in jail, if he continues his ways.

he's going to lose control, amongst other things, soon enough. and when he does, he'll only have himself to blame. for now, i give him the spotlight. it's what he wants, after all.

good riddance to 2007

prelude to 2008
Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

i usually take some time a day or so before the new year to reflect on everything that's happened, good and bad. in years past, i've always remained rather cryptic, but that was because on another online spot,

i was being snooped on.

not that anything i've ever had to say is controversial; in fact, everything i've ever had to say is rather damaging, but it's truth.

truth and fear were prevalent throughout 2007 for me. i learned to embrace one, and cast off the other. in doing so, i gained much experience and many learnings. 2008 will be much different than last year.

my resolution for 2008 is to bring light to the truth. to see to it that justice is served. to take back my power.

last year concluded a four year long family court matter. well, not entirely concluded, because there are loose ends that need to be tied, but the most important matter was resolved. what i learned from the entire four years, but last year most specifically, was that i never had anything to be afraid of, because i spoke truth.

i advocated for and won custody of my daughter. i fought very hard for her to have the consistency and routine that she has needed for a very long time, and it happened exactly the way i wanted it to. i was fearful, though. i was afraid of the lies, the threats, and the deceit that other people had no qualms about conveying in order to gain a perceived advantage in what they considered to be a game.

i see it this way now because at the most crucial point in this process, when it was all or nothing, after everything my daughter, my family and i were put through, the 'fight' fizzled out, and i got what i'd been saying was the right thing the entire time.

my position has never changed, the person i fought with for the past four years hasn't changed, and that is why things are the way they are. they thought that hiring a lawyer would scare me. it didn't. it didn't because you can spend all the money you like on things for show, but what's behind that is what determines the outcome. and nothing from nothing is nothing. which is what they got.

the past year was stressful for many reasons; my daughter was in upheaval because of the court situation; she would be changing schools, living in a new home, and was unsure as to where she would call 'home' at the end of the night. i am so very glad that i had the people around me during the year that i did; to be reassured that what i was doing was right because that's what i was trying to do helped me through some tough times.

i grew a backbone.

i decided to file for child support. in the four years i'd done it on my own, i never once asked for anything, and the entire time i did it on my own, i compensated for two parents, instead of having cooperation. i decided it was time to make some changes. i can't be the only person responsible for everything when there is another parent entirely capable of being equally as responsible. so i was awarded child support. the holy hell i received as a result of that will continue until my daughter is 18, but the way i see it, i put measures in place that cannot be undone by the other person. no matter how much they threaten, or withold, they *will* be held accountable. i won't have to do anything. and the consequences that will hit them will be entirely as a result of their own doing, or lack thereof.

to date, there is about six months of child support unpaid for, but it's 'very urgent' that i make accommodations for multiple trips that they've planned this year. while i find it ridiculous and laughable, i will sit back while numbers continue to accrue and accumulate, and i will not feel pity when it comes time to answer to the authorities.

that's another thing i've learned. i've developed a thick skin, and lost a bit of my empathy for the people in my life who are blatantly irresponsible, abusive and ignorant. right now, there are only two, but they fill up enough space that i don't need anymore. what happens to them now is not my problem, and frankly, what they bring about in their lives as a result of their selfish actions i will celebrate. sounds harsh, but i'm not a doormat any longer. and i pull my weight and theirs, i don't ask for anything because i know not to anticipate their respect or cooperation, so when the karma bus comes around, i'll throw a fucking 'bon voyage' party.

i will no longer tolerate energy sucking assholes. i will no longer sugar coat or beat around the bush. i have decided to speak truth, even if it pisses off other people. really, the only people it will piss off are those who are afraid to examine the harsh reality of their situations. (thanks for that phrase, assbasket; it's come in handy time and time again!)

i am on the offensive; i have no fear about the future - i now create it. as for those who think they've got *any* sort of foothold on me, you can go fuck yourself. you're now going to get everything you deserve, and i *still* don't have to do a thing to cause it. it's all you, baby. it's alll you.

on to the good things, because i like to think about all the happiness that the discord and strife caused. if it weren't for the shitstorm my family endured over the year, i wouldn't be able to talk about the good stuff:


my daughter and dan. they're my family; the people i feed and clothe and nurture and love. they keep me going. dan, because he's been right by my side through everything, the ups, the downs, and the super deep downs that seemed like black holes. my daughter.. well, the fact that i get to tuck her in every night and wake her up with kisses to her cheek and see the sparkle in her eyes when she talks about her day, or the smile on her face when she runs across the street to play with a friend..there isn't a thing in the world that could take away such an indescribable happiness to be a part of that. this year may be the year that we all become an 'official' family; dan and i waited all this time for court stuff to be over with, because we wanted to do it the right way; no discord, no struggle. i am thankful for both of them. old souls that i've known for longer than i have been alive.

my job. i love it, i get to be a part of the greater good, and the people i work with and for have made me a better person.

my family. as crazy and messed up as things are at times, i have them. they are all alive and healthy, and that's all anyone could ask for.

my friend sarah. she and i hated each other for absolutely no reason other than a stupid abusive man-child, and because of that stupid abusive man-child, we are now the best of friends. we don't get to see each other a lot, but we talk every day, and were it not for her support and insight, i might be a crying heap on the floor every other day. sarah and i are proof that a man can't bring you down even if he puts his hands on you; we're proof that women don't need to be enemies over a man, and proof that you can rise above adversity and make your life better by being appreciative of what you have. my only regret is that we weren't able to form this bond sooner when she really needed it most.

new home. we moved from a place that we had because it was all we could afford to a great new home. sunny, large, in a beautiful scenic town, with one of my daughter's best friends across the street, school around the corner, and nothing but good. it's amazing how much a new space can change your perspective; kennebunkport has actually been one of the biggest positive changes for so many reasons.

everything. i have everything going for me now. and i deserve it.

i will give more to others who need it, in any way i can. i will help lift those up who can't do it on their own; i will cherish every moment i have with my family; i will appreciate today, because there is no promise of tomorrow. i will continue to stop and see the tiny details that others take for granted.

and this year, i will reflect at the end of the year on how great it was, and what i learned, and i will talk about how i kicked some ass and took some names, and i hope to do that for years to come.

happy new year, all. i wish you luck, love, health, happiness, truth, fairness, empathy, and selflessness. they are things we should all strive for. believe me, they've been recurring themes for me.