liar, liar

"Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't. —Hell is murky. —Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?" (Macbeth - Act 5, Scene 1)

sometimes i am simultaneously surprised and unphased by the things that happen around me in life. sometimes i'm quite taken aback.

i didn't realize it, but i was in the middle of a situation i shouldn't have been placed in the middle of, as were other people. and the person that did all the re-arranging and shuffling of characters has done this many times. only this time they were caught in a lie. they asked people to lie to me, and in doing so, stirred up a pot of shit that might never have existed otherwise.

i was played. burned. had. and the parts that piss me off are that:

a) i have *never* done anything to this person to warrant being dicked around like that
b) this person, having been confronted with it directly, instead of being a grownup, ran to the other people they put in the middle of the situation to cry about it to them.
c) this person, having been confronted with it directly, instead of apologizing and speaking to me directly, removed me from their online contacts.
d) this person is a blood relative who stressed time and again the need for us to be close; the need to have a bond. time and again, made me feel guilty for not having the same kind of free time they have (i have a family to take care of after the job that i spend all day at; this person was unemployed for months at a stretch and partied with friends regularly instead of making time with me)
e) i gave my trust to this person, and they chose to throw away the chance they had to make things right by running away and erasing me as if i never existed.

i will never trust them again. *ever*. i was walked all over. used. and probably, unbeknownst to me, gossiped about. there's a pretty good chance of that, with hindsight being 20-20 and all. and to think, i came to their defense, i supported them and their endeavors even when i didn't agree, sided with them during traumatic relationship issues that may or may not have actually happened, and encouraged them to follow their heart.

to know that instead of making amends they'd rather just forget i am here is quite the slap in the face.
it might be easier for me to swallow were they just a friend; i can write off an asshole *any* time. but this person is family.

i had plenty of talks with this very same person about how i despise liars. how stupid, pointless lies piss me off the most, because they're totally unnecessary, and cause nothing but grief. now, i am the recipient of one of those lies, from someone i suppose i should have expected it from, given past behavior.

i've had the opportunity to look back at the past couple of years, and now i see rather clearly. everything was about 'who can i use next', or 'what can i get from them', or 'how can i benefit from them', or 'feel sorry for me', or 'everyone's against me', or 'my problems are caused by other people'. when they weren't rubbing elbows with people to meet other people or make more money or to hook up, they were trash talking them when things didn't go the way they wanted.

no one is sacred, apparently. nothing is sacred, either. take what you can, squeeze it out til there's nothing left, then leave the shell behind and don't look back.

and to think, the conversation i had last with this person, they were in tears about their situation, feeling like they weren't getting kudos for being grownup and not running away from their problems. delaying their arrival isn't running away from them. but a stupid, pointless lie can bring them to the front line pretty fucking quick.

i am glad not to be in that position. i never lied to them. i never told any of their secrets. i never violated their trust. and when i was being played and didn't realize it, they *still* got honesty from me.

it makes me ill to think that what has transpired is how they want to leave things. i am beginning to understand now why their social circle is never solid, and they rely co-dependently on a very few people for affirmation and reassurance.

i hope there is a point where that changes. sadly, it starts with them, and denial is powerful.