horoscope imitates life
libra horoscope for today:
You may not be able to relax enough today to feel fully at ease. You can sense that something big is coming down the path, but you cannot possibly know how to respond until you know exactly what it is. Don't push for a solution; clarity will return in time and you'll be able to take definitive action.
this is precisely how i operate through life in general. as someone who constantly seeks balance, not knowing the outcome of a situation that is before me makes it difficult to know what stance to take. defensive? offensive? no position? decision-making without foreknowledge is one of the hardest things for me to grasp. so what do i do? i play out every possible scenario. i bank on the absolute worst happening, and hope for the best. but i try to cover all my bases and all possible outcomes in order to gain some sort of grip on the parts that i cannot predict or control.
and it's not really about the control, per se. it's really about the comfort level. and only in situations where the outcome could adversely affect my personal life or family. i don't have a hard time taking risks when the consequences aren't those that are detrimental. i'll throw myself into any situation that i don't have to give serious worry or concern to.
when, though, a situation arises that could impact my future, or my family's future, i weigh options and possibilities quite heavily. i suppose it could be seen as an exercise in futility, since i don't know what i don't know and the outcome will be what it is when it arises, but i prefer to see it as a sign of my priorities. nothing in life is more important to me than the happiness and well-being of my family. and if i am charged with the responsibility of making a decision that also affects them, i give deep consideration to all of those possible outcomes.
sometimes it slows down the process, but i'd rather delay the process and come out of it for the better than to make a snap decision and possibly set everything back.
i went through this when i dealt with everything in family court; dealing with the opposing party who is predictably unpredictable, and who *does* make knee-jerk decisions, put me on the defensive quite often. slowly, i allowed myself to let go of that, because what inevitably happened was that the other person, in making those decisions, showed their intent and priorities to everyone who made the final decisions, and i ended up getting exactly what i'd asked for, while the whole time fretting that that wouldn't happen.
to acquiesce to another person, especially when you know their motive, and know their inner being, and know that they don't follow a path that is true, right or correct in any way, is a very difficult choice to make. one quote, from napoleon, kept me focused: 'never interrupt your enemy while he is making a mistake'. there were a few times where i tried to push for a solution, but the timing wasn't right, and it was definitely at a time of obscurity.
to read this horoscope today and to be able to nod in agreement, given there are but a few loose ends waiting to be tied, strikes home. i know that i still have choices and options once that clarity i'm waiting for arrives, but it's the wait that really kills me. hopefully this week i will be in the know.
i have seen three shooting stars in the past two weeks; about a year ago the same thing happened, and each of those stars came in handy when they mattered most; i'm hoping that's the case with these this year.
october is domestic violence awareness month
but - i didn't know it. at least, not until i read an article on alternet's news site.
the facts:
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/
having been in a relationship where i experienced domestic violence, the facts are rather sobering.
i do not have much faith in the justice system, especially in the state i live in, as domestic violence and murder are quite closely linked in many cases throughout the news. personally having experienced the humiliation of having to defend myself to someone who is paid by my taxes to protect and serve me, as well as to quantify my feelings and court filings to complete strangers, i can understand why some women don't want to report it.
as a victim of domestic violence, women tend to be further victimized; they are viewed as vindictive, or wanting to get back at their abuser.
for me, i'm letting karma do what it needs to.
but if you are in a violent situation, whether you have children or not, call your local women's shelter, and do what you can to get out. it isn't easy, but it *can* be done.
dreams, dreams
i've been having odd dreams lately, and more strange is that i'm remembering them:
1. a few nights back, i had a dream that lenore and i were out walking, and there were these evangelists preaching in a field; a husband and wife duo talking to people seated on folding chairs out in the open. they weren't preaching about god, though. more like a unitarian universalist-type discussion. flash forward to later in the dream, and lenore and i are living in this multi-room gigantic house, which is owned and occupied by the husband and wife. for some reason, lenore isn't with me, and i'm trying to find her so we can leave. nothing horrible has happened, but i don't want to be there anymore. and i'm trying to find her so that we can leave before the husband and wife come home and find out we don't want to stay.
it turned out that they returned before i could get out of the house, and they searched for me. i remember running through all sorts of rooms. each room was totally different; some were old and unfurnished, some had a table or chair in it. i remember looking out of the windows to see if they were outside, and seeing the big open grassy field. and then the dream ended.
2. the other night, i had a dream that i was out walking barefoot in the winter; walking down the streets of portland (maine) and a girl i only know online was riding a bicycle in a long flowing skirt and short-sleeved blouse. how i knew it was her at that point in the dream i'm not sure; all i saw was her back and long hair. later in the dream, i entered an apartment building and went to go into the first door i saw. it was the girl again answering the door, and she laughed and giggled and told me i had the wrong door and that i'd opened her door too loudly. moments later, i am in another apartment room, lying in bed with someone i have known from my past. he was sad about something. his girlfriend was seated at the end of the bed, head on her arm. she didn't seem to notice i was there. but i felt that she should have been where i was. and then, the dream ended.
3. last night, i had a dream i met my exes mother-in-law. i had just returned from a trip with dan to nyc, and was seated at a huge posh bar in a hotel. a woman i work with was to my left, and a guy i only know from online was on my right. i'd just finished a whiskey and coke. (blech) a woman came up to order at the bar, and i realized who she was. i checked my cell phone clock to see that i had missed my time to call lenore for the evening, so i got up and put my arm around her to walk out of the hotel. i began talking to her about my ex and her daughter, and suddenly, we are outside, and my ex is there. he has come to get his mother-in-law, and sees that i am there talking to her. i look him in the eye, and smiling, i tell him what i think of him. i rattle off that i think he's an asshole, a douchebag, that i hate him, that he's a shitty parent, and that his wife is an ignorant bitch. he is upset because i am doing this while his mother-in-law is right next to me.
he walks away, and i continue walking with the mother-in-law, and explain to her in great detail why i said what i did to my ex; i tell her that he and his wife met and married under false pretense, i tell her everything they have done to undermine me as the parent to lenore; from them forcing her to call his wife 'mom' to their passive-aggressive behavior intended to piss me off. i explain to her that i don't know if her daughter and son-in-law are simply stupid, or if they're inherently assholes, but that i thought she should know the truth.
we finally arrive at this spot outside, and the ex is there with a group of friends, and lenore. there are people smoking pot in the group, and i turn away from them. i come over to lenore and explain to her that i couldn't call because i had just come back from nyc, and i talk to her for a bit. the entire time, the ex is waiting for his wife to show up, and is very visibly upset that i spoke with the mother-in-law. he's pacing, he's on his cell phone telling his wife that i spoke with her mother, he wants her there *now*. i simply smile, looking him in the eye, and walk away, knowing i've planted a seed at least in *someone's* head about all the bullshit everyone around them has been fed. and then, the dream ended.
the last dream is obviously more telling than the first two; those i think are just my brain tossing back a bunch of stuff that makes no sense. the third is relatively in line with feelings that hold true with my 'real life', except that i've never gotten on the soapbox to talk about all of the embarrasing details that some people would be afraid others knew. some day, though. i think it's important to make an example of the kind of people that walk about in life trying to make others miserable, showing a facet of themselves that isn't real for purposes of self-protection (because really, who wants to examine their horrific behavior up close and truthfully?). people who exploit situations and other people, and who try to pull at the heart-strings of others to gain sympathy they don't deserve. i probably don't necessarily *need* to out them, because you can only live a lie so long before it catches up to you, but it's important to those who have been where i've been to feel as if there is a way out, that there is vindication, and that they are not alone. but enough about that.
what strange dreams are *you* having?
self: still life of birthday girl
i am thankful that there isn't a huge difference between my photo at 16, and my photo today. *so* many events over the course of the past year alone, but over 16? a lifetime. i am twice as old now.
i took a trip to spain and belgium.
i lost a love, gained a love, had many loves. i had great relationships, and awful relationships. i made friends, had children, suffered losses. i've been tested, abused, loved, and alone. i've grown more than people i've known for many years, and will continue.
ancora imparo.
on the day of my 32nd year of being alive, i am thankful for all of it; the good times and bad. if i didn't have them, i wouldn't be where i am now, which is exactly where i want to be.
thank you to all who wished me well today <3
karma's comeback?
so last night, the phone rings. dan answers, and it's not anyone we know. our phone number isn't unlisted, but it's also brand-new, so very few people have it. he sounds confused, because the person on the other line is asking for my ex. an interesting phone call, really. because of that whole new phone number thing, and how on god's green earth could it or would it possibly be linked to him?
after a minute, dan hands me the phone, and i speak to the gentleman. it's a creditor. (i figure this out by the company name.) he asks me how i know my ex, and i explain that he's my ex, and ask him why my phone number is linked to him, as we have never shared an account, credit card or otherwise. since the call isn't about money *i* owe (because i don't live beyond my means that way; racking up credit card debt/loan amounts to the tune of 50%+ your salary is probably not a good thing-just a hunch), i feel free to ask questions. given i'm not married to the ex, the gentleman on the phone can't give me much information, but needless to say, they're obviously interested in recouping money on something he's avoided paying for and has run away from (surprising? not at *all*.)
i oblige the gentleman, giving him his phone number and mailing address. he asks me if the ex is still working at so-and-so place, and i say 'god, no. and the job after that one he's not at, either. we probably have a common interest, since i'm trying to figure out who his current employer is, he's behind on some money he owes me!' the gentleman thanks me for my help, and says to have a good evening, i return the well wishes, and hang up.
it's interesting to me for a number of reasons, this phone call. i just got the phone number a couple months ago. i haven't been with the ex for four years, and like i said, never shared anything credit-related with him. bills were in his name, neither of us had each other on our own credit card accounts. so that i was linked to him for purposes of collecting a debt is strange. more interesting is that when i couldn't remember the number of the house on the street he now lives on, the guy already had it. but i was happy to help him out, because i believe if you dig yourself a hole, you can't just walk away from it. you've got to get yourself out of it without help from others.
it's all about honesty. i'm teaching lenore about lying, and how the more you lie and deceive people, the harder it gets to keep up with them. and the less people will be inclined to trust or believe you, especially when it really matters.
so i'm chalking that phone call up to karma. it seems lately that the bus has been coming 'round to the stop, and is ready to pick up its passenger(s).
all aboard!
