ask and ye shall receive

ask and ye shall receive
Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

i'm hoping that what i'm asking for *will* be received; the past four years have been spent agonizing, planning, wishing, hoping, fearing for the worst and best, respectively.

to say upcoming events will cause a shift in the paradigm would be an understatement, but it is what it is.

i have been true, right and correct - a teaching given to me by someone who gave me back something i thought was lost. my sense of identity, a recognition that i was worthy, and a desire to do and be better than where i was and who influenced me.

it took a few more years of pain for that to happen, but it did. and then the pain changed, in a very different way. and the fear changed in a very different way. but the resolve hasn't. the determination to get beyond this; to *be*; that hasn't.

i am simultaneously strong and fragile at this very moment. i keep repeating to myself 'think good thoughts', because if i allow worry and fear to enter the picture, my heart leaps into my throat and i can't breathe.

a glimpse at fate will be arriving soon.

artsy fartsy

Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

i'm working with a non-profit art organization to coordinate art projects for our family center that will involve the people i work with, and possibly members of the outside community.

one of the projects we've decided we want to undertake is some sort of textile/fabric art recreating trees for our training room (the timbers; appropriate project for the room name, i suppose). we decided to try out batik to see if this particular process would be worth pursuing to create these long silk panels which, put together, would look like a tree, but staggered would create these abstract pieces of work that would look nice on their own as well.

after two two-hour sessions learning how to work on silk scarves for practice, this is the end result of my work. i really like how it came out, and i think i want to work with batik in this fashion a little more. it's a very forgiving medium, and there is a bit of control with the dye and resist.

i've had ideas for other designs/patterns, and i think i may consider offering them for sale, if there's interest. i'll post/blog as i progress.

:)

turn the other cheek

turn the other cheek
Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

Who ranks as the highest? One who does not harm anything. One who never retaliates. One who is always at peace regardless of the other person's disposition.

Buddha

such a difficult mantra to maintain; a worthy challenge, though. it imbues one with a sense of peace at such self-discipline, and allows one to observe from a different vantage point once put into practice.

another mile marker was passed may 23, 2007. the fourth year. *four years* of turning the other cheek.

i remember a point in my life before this. where i turned the other cheek because i was weak. that *can* happen. when you allow your principles to be compromised, when you become a victim and allow yourself to be. when you do it because it's easier to do than standing up for what you believe in.

sometimes it's the right thing to do in those situations. maybe it's not the right time to confront; perhaps there is a need for gathering of strength and resources. it happens. don't be discouraged if this is where you are; as long as you focus on a brighter goal, weathering what you must will give you drive and purpose.

now, i am in a different place. when i turn the other cheek, i do it with strength. defiance, even. it has taken me a long time to get to this point. part of it involved simply letting go of things that were no longer
a part of me. another part involved standing up for someone who cannot do so themselves. having to be the foundation and shield for those who are vulnerable has given me more strength and focus, and makes the slings and arrows thrown in my direction insignificant.

when you turn the other cheek, you take away attention from those who want it. you display at the same time your strength and vulnerability, and your willingness to put them out into the open, and take away the momentum from the maelstrom.

sounds preachy, but nothing is more satisfying to me than to see that by not feeding a fire, there is only one side being burned.

monkey see, monkey do

patiently waiting
Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

it never ceases to make me shake my head laughing. my life is being imitated; it's a meager attempt, at best.

whether i post photos, whether i bake treats, whether i go places and do things, whether we have pets, the clothes i buy, the things i say... all of it. all of it is being copied/mimicked/imitated/re-created.

the difference though, is that what i do, where i go, what i make, what i say, within and without the confines of my home with my family, is all from the heart, and has been happening since day one.

posting a few pictures aren't going to get a rise out of me. *make* the attempt. i welcome it. i *encourage* you to be involved. it's a bit late in the game, so to speak, but keep trying. maybe some day it will sink in that those things being done and said and made are things that shouldn't have taken so long to start focusing on. and *maybe* you'll be given some credit for it. maybe.

i do wonder how it feels to play catch-up, though. is it maddening? frustrating? it's like working *so* hard to come in second. and really, i don't try for the spotlight. i don't do it for the 'look what i can do!' i do it just because.

just because.

i share it with my friends because i have a hobby that happens to capture the moments in life that i don't take for granted. not to make an attempt to show others that 'i do them too!'. i share with my family because my family likes to remember those times. because they've been involved in all of them. not to say 'look what i thought to do after i saw it elsewhere!'.

but i applaud you for your efforts, because you're making it look like you care. but we all know below the surface there's a motive. and it's the polar opposite of the facade.

nice try!

4th of july

amber n lenore
Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

this picture is from last year. last year, lenore was with us for the 4th; she got to go to camp with dan's parents. she sang karaoke with a little girl she made friends with, she roasted marshmallows with dan's mom, dad and her new little friend, and she went out on the lake in the boat.

she was sick as hell before and after that, because of her tonsils. this was a brief moment of fun for her, with her friend amber. dan and i went to pick her up at camp with our friend steve, and we spent the afternoon there before heading home.

later in the evening, we watched the fireworks, and had a great time.

the next day, we were in the ER; lenore had a fever of 104 that kept coming and going, and the doctor couldn't pinpoint anything. at this point, her tonsils were so big, they were almost touching her uvula. this would be the fourth doctor to tell dan and i the best remedy would be to remove them, but it wouldn't be til another month later that we were finally able to go through with it (for reasons i am not allowed to disclose).

this fourth of july, lenore was not with us. she didn't get to see fireworks, or go out on the boat, or play with her friends here. she is tonsil-free, which is in a way, a handoff.

i missed lenore, standing with dan on the beach last night. there was a light rain; warm and slow. there were many people standing right on the beach watching the colors appear in the sky. i took in the salty air, listening to the people around me, the ocean waves, and the pop and boom of the fireworks. i looked around and saw silhouettes against the bright flash of color. it was a night that lenore would have enjoyed, despite the weather.

next year, perhaps. until then, i'll remember the fun lenore had on this day with us last year. :)

i'm famous?

not really, but i decided to do a little innanetz scouring, and found this:

http://joshhikes.com/outcast/Loudblog_0_5_1_files/Loudblog_0_5_1_files/index.php?id=10

This guy's a contact on Flickr, so it was a bit of a surprise to find that he has a blog, and that i've been linked to for almost a year. There's not much written, just the link, but still. i appreciate the shout-out. :)

how lucky am i?

clover 3
Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

i stepped outside into the post office parking lot to get back into my car. as i'm walking, i hear drops landing all around me. i look at the blacktop and realize it's seagull poop. doing a quick check, i realize:

I AM NOT HIT.

i literally had a ring of poop land around me, and managed somehow (thankfully!) to be missed, which just goes to show that shit can be falling all around me, and i will somehow manage to make it unscathed.

our house

Originally uploaded by stayin' sucka free

is a very very very fine house..with two cats in the yard

well, not actually in the yard; they're house cats. but it goes with the song. artistic license, people.

today was the end of a quick but very nice weekend with lenore; the president, his parents, and vladimir putin, along with a bajillion diplomats, tourists, media and protestors are all just down the road in town.

for the past few days we've had the president's chopper, a couple of military choppers, and various motorcades of police cars drive by and fly over our house; apparently we're in the flight path.

it's kind of exciting, living in such a sleepy little town that has suddenly awakened with all this pomp and circumstance blaring out from every corner; one little clam shack has a sign out that reads 'kennebunkport is 'putin' on the ritz'

and as much as gwb is not my favorite person *at all*, i thought about how great it is that i'm raising my daughter in what has to be one of the safest towns in the country, what with bush and family summering here. this weekend was certainly the weekend to be on your best behavior if you were a 'person of interest', that's fo shizzle.

anyhoo, my post wasn't about politics.. lenore and i were playing frisbee, and i remembered that one morning on my way out of the driveway i saw roses growing in the hedgerow alongside it. and i brought her over to see them, because they're sort of nestled into all these vines and multitudes of other flowers that i couldn't possibly name, other than the morning glories that were also out of arm's reach but within sight.

the little brook that runs under our driveway has the little white flowers (pictured), daisies, and these flowers that look like queen anne's lace, but are a purplish color, and have a sweet scent to them.

all sorts of lovely nature that envelops us. as much as i have loved some of the more 'civilized' places i've lived, i wouldn't give up where we are now for the world. i do believe that my crisp salty air-laden foggy mornings, the smell of sweet clover on the drive to work, and the *silence* and deepest clear night sky are the things i cannot be without, and this place has them all.

lenore loves it here. she says it every day. i tend to agree. :)